Why I Never Should Have Married the Father of My Son
Having a kid in the picture doesn't guarantee a great relationship with your co-parent. Here's one woman's story of how that scenario didn't work out.
Every woman dreams of her wedding. As a girl, I knew I had mine. Growing up on Disney films, I was in love with the concept of “happily ever after.” I found myself poring over books and living in a fantasy world where I felt like I belonged.
But then, reality happened. And it came much like a cold, hard slap to the face.
At 21 years old, I found myself pregnant.
I was only so young, and I was foolishly in love. Looking back, I can say that love can indeed be a dangerous thing, especially if you haven't fully understood its concepts and mysteries. Even those older than me haven't understood love. I was but a fledgling, too young, and too idealistic.
I first met him during one class, and I remember how much he made me laugh. I remember the way he ran his fingers through my hair and the way his smile would always melt my heart. Sadly, some things are better left for remembering.
When one is young and naïve, one gets the feeling of euphoria when in love. I remember how right it felt to be with him. I always felt safe in his strong arms, as I took in the scent of him. Drifting off to sleep always came easy.
When I became his wife, I was dressed all in white. We were like two kids, both nervous and afraid. I was unsure, as my father led me down the aisle. I felt like I had disappointed my father, and I would always remember the grave look on his face. I was their little girl, after all. Now their little girl was a bride.
Why you should never rush into marriage simply because you have a child together
The thing about love is that it is never the same love as the years go by. What starts off as beautiful and blissful can change over time. I am not saying that love does not last forever, far from it. If I had only known what I know about love today back then, I never should have married the father of my son. Why? Love is a very strange thing, and marrying the father of my son taught me that.
#1 Settling in a relationship can be dangerous. My mother always told me to never settle when it came to relationships. My son's father was my first love. True, I had many crushes way before him, but I never pursued anything serious.
At that time, I thought that I had found the one whom I was to spend my life with. Now that I have grown older and wiser, I realized that I had merely settled for him because it seemed so convenient for me. Love, at least love in the truest sense, isn't about settling for what is convenient. It is about having a choice that is made not out of fear, but of being confident enough to know that this person is the one that feels right for you.
#2 Marriage would test your love for each other. Soon after our marriage, I found myself as a young wife. I had started my career and was slowly transitioning into the stages of being an expectant mother who barely knew anything. I realized that living together is hard, and marriage was just as hard. We both had to adjust to each other's quirks and moods.
While we did spend 3 years as boyfriend and girlfriend, nothing really prepared us for marriage. I realized that time does change people, and that love can be tested when both of you are angry. We got into arguments when we were both tired, especially when our son came along. While our son filled our days with laughter and happiness, we did find ourselves getting into constant arguments over money and even petty issues that could easily be resolved. There were days when I realized how tired I felt, and it wasn't just physically.
#3 Coldness can lead to drifting apart. When my son was four, I became cold towards his father. I guess it was because all the things I used to find adorable before had now become terribly annoying. I was trying to juggle my career and being a mother to my little toddler that I forgot that I was a wife as well.
Soon, I felt that we were drifting apart so fast that I had forgotten what it was like to have a full conversation with him. As we drifted apart, so did our passion for each other. I couldn't bear to have sex with him, because it seemed like everything was just a routine. When we grew further apart, I heard some gossip about him having another woman.
#4 Heartache is a two-way street. At first, I brushed aside the rumors, thinking that they were just that - rumors. Soon, my intuition began to kick in when I realized that he was acting quite differently. The signs were subtle at first, and then they became a little more obvious. I was a bit hesitant to confront him about it, so I decided to do my own digging.
The joke about suspicious women doing more research than the FBI is true, because I soon had come up not only with the other woman's name, I had her social media accounts as well. When I confronted him about her, the truth hit me like a ton of bricks. He had another woman, and it was my deepest fear. I think I would have been driven mad that day if it hadn't been for my son.
#5 Starting over again. We tried to work things out, but there are things that can never be fixed. We decided that it was best that he would leave me and my son, so that the pain will not remain. I would have my son, and he would have her. Somehow, I felt like I was on the losing end, because I would lose my husband. I would eventually realize that it was my son that would help me get better.
#6 My son would always be my greatest love. My son has become my reason to try to be a better person. I have learned so much from the tears and fears of the past. Being a mother entails sacrifice. My son's needs would come before mine. While I envied my single friends, my love for my son saw me through this. His smile and his laughter continue to make my day.
#7 My ex-husband may be a terrible partner, but that does not make him an awful father. My ex-husband might not have been my forever and always, but that does not make him a terrible person. He regularly visits our son, and he gives financial support.
While he no longer lives with us, he does what he can to be a visible father figure to our son. We have learned to do this together with love, acceptance, and above all, forgiveness. That is what keeps the peace.
Marrying the father of my son was the turning point in my life that opened my eyes to the realities of the world. It taught me that love was more than just a feeling, and even then, love can change, falter, and even disappear. But despite all that, I had learned what love truly was, and I found it in the form of my son.