15 Of The Worst Weave Fails You Need To See
We all love a weave fail. Weave is what binds personal grooming and our public selves to wealth and status. Nothing is more jarring to the eye than a cheap weave. As far back as Biblical times, hair has been the secret to power. Remember, the story of Samson and Delilah? Samson's power was stored in his hair, so when Delilah cut his puissant locks he was as helpless as a baby lamb. Weave signifies strength, virility, and when it's done right, it has a certain prestige. A flowing waterfall of lengthy locks is the prerequisite of any successful hair whip, as Willow Smith well knows. We all want that lion's mane of tresses, flying majestically in the breeze like an American flag on the fourth of July. Just look at the youth culture of the seventies, eighties, and nineties. The common denominator is long haired freaky people. The best way to get those luscious, cache-bestowing locks fast is weave. That is, unless your weave is bad. As we all know, people can get overexcited by the sudden abundance of hair. This is the territory of the weave fail. This is the realm we, internet scourers, are searching for, when we need a laugh to take the edge off our existential angst. What could be better, more delightful or more important in your life than fifteen weave fails? That's exactly what we thought. Scroll on Macduff, and behold, the riches of this veritable cave of wonders of weave fails are yours.
15 No Nicki no!
Nicki, Nicki, Nicki. We know and love Ms. Minaj for refusing to wear or do anything that could be considered plain old natural. But we can see your glue, girl! Besides the fact that blonde looks terrible on many a celeb who opts for the ubiquitous bleached tresses, Nicki is also suffering with a severe case of hairline weirdness. While it's probably exhausting to get this dressed up all the time, Nicki's ironic take on the Barbie doll is unnecessarily accurate. These glaring glued ends are in keeping with the musician's drag queen-esque style. We love the fact that Nicki tells it like it is and wears it how she wants. But these ends though. They're just too traumatic for us to embrace. However, we are touched that Nicki would go to these horrific ends (literally) just to entertain us. And we are riveted, just not in the right way.
14 Heli-NO weave
There are no words. Has this woman achieved the ultimate in hair styling sophistication? Possibly. What possessed her to create a hair helicopter? We'll probably never know. But what is abundantly clear is that this hairdo is intended to be a helicopter, and that transcendent vision has been carried out with complete conviction. It's the propellers, which look like they have been the victims of some guerilla knitters, that are perhaps the weirdest feature. Yet the tail of the aircraft is what gives the hairstyle it's undeniably helicopterish appearance. Yes, a helicopter-like appearance has been achieved in hair format. But why? Just why. Mankind's ingenuity and insanity are boundless, so it would appear. We hope that this girl won some kind of prize as compensation for wearing this weirdness on her head. Though she looks strangely pleased with the situation she has gotten herself into, it's hard not to wonder whether she is for really real.
13 Bey, bye
OK don't get us wrong. Beyonce is queen. She will rule the pop world forever and we bow down before her work ethic as much as her talent and unrelenting fierceness. But we need the briefest of blips just so we can recognize that the beauteous Beyonce is still human. We need to be able to relate to the goddess through some small vulnerability. We think we have found a tiny chink in Bey's glittering armour. This weave could have been better. Sure she still manages to look totally glowing and gorgeous. But we can still alleviate the bitterness with which we compare ourselves with the perfection of Beyonce. Best not to compare yourself with Bey, unless it's to see this weave, realize that she is human, and take courage from that knowledge. It's occasionally comforting to know that even Beyonce has suffered at the suffocating though soft and fuzzy hands of bad weave.
12 Getting ahead
It's always a challenge to decide exactly where to start your weave. How about at your eyebrows? Who needs a forehead anyway? It's not like we are doing much with that half of our face. Rather than getting bangs, we prefer to opt for the "swamp monster latches on from behind" look. It's always best to maintain an inexplicably harsh hairline, to underline your fierceness to the world. It's not about looking natural, it's about hair that's dramatic. If that means aggressive hairstyles then so be it. This is the same one that controlled Snake's mind in that episode of the Simpsons. We hear it is on the move, so beware, it might be about to drain your autonomy and reasoning faculties right from your brain. Or at least that is what happened here. At least, that's what we are hoping. Girl, that weave is weird and so not in a good way.
11 Guys fail at weaves too
Are you as glued to this image as his weave isn't to his head? Watching him peel it off like a home lobotomy is just mesmerizing. It goes to show that guys are just as capable as girls of failing hard when it comes to weaves. Male pattern baldness is such a common complaint among dudes that having hair at all is something to show off. Clearly, guys aren't too happy about losing their hair either. We wish they'd just accept their testosterone-driven hair loss and shave it all off like Jason Statham. It would be a way better solution than gluing fake hair onto their bald heads. There's nothing worse than a guy in a wig. It's just never going to be hot. And this kind of cranial topiary is totally disturbing. Gentlemen if you're reading, we beg of you, cast those head rugs aside and just grow a beard instead.
10 Kelly Osbourne… every time
Giving a whole new meaning to the phrase "carrot top", this hairstyle is probably one of the worst… ever. It's just never a great look to advertise the vegetative state of your cranium by styling your hair like your grandma's allotment. Whether these carrots were once hair is questionable, but they certainly aren't as healthy as their crunchy real life inspiration. This weave involuntarily induces a Carrie Bradshaw moment from all who behold its bizarreness. Because you have to wonder: did she do that herself? Or is there a hairdresser that bad out there? More than the hair itself, what is going on in this shot? We're confused. Has carrot top been brought before the hair police? We hope so. This mop is certainly in need of some serious styling. Not even the entire band of stylists Queer Eye for the Straight Guy could right this weave wrong. Better to buzz that do, set fire to the offending carrots, and begin afresh, we say.
8 Divine dreads
Divine is Hollywood's best known drag queen, as notorious for his terrible weave as for his performances. Born Harris Glenn Milstead in Maryland, Divine has featured in numerous Hollywood films. He swiftly gained a cult following, and has since remained on the fringes of fame, regularly whipping his bad weave in the faces of the serious. A recognizable face, mocking the oppressive beauty standards of the west, Divine is known for taking things (like hairlines) a little too far. With brows like daddy long legs, Divine always brings an attitude to match. So much so in fact that, we have to concede this terrible weave is done in something resembling good taste. Well, sort of. It is at least intentionally, clownishly bad. Divine is probably the willing and self-conscious mascot for bad weave. If that were something that the world needed. Given this list of the internet's biggest and baddest weave offenders, it seems that it was.
7 Release the weave
You know you've always wanted to do this to someone. Nothing is more shocking (or better TV) than a follicular de-bagging in place of a witty retort during an argument. Be assured, this move is sure to raise the energy levels to mohican high levels, so only use in situations that really call for this excalibur of hilarious hair grabs. All of these weave fails though, necessitate this kind of manoeuvre. Just be sure that the offending weave isn't glued on, or things are in danger of getting uglier still. There's nothing like vintage Ricki Lake to indulge our perverse enjoyment of the very worst weaves and human behaviour in history. That's only a slight exaggeration. Vlad the Impaler's beard left a lot to be desired. Sure, he impaled people, but what will really make a lasting impression in any crowd is a swift weave toss. You know you want to.
6 Corporate sponsors
These masterpieces of human ingenuity and monstrosities of hair-based advertising had to make our list. We are pretty sure that the recipients of these dreadful looks were not sponsored to adopt them. We all know that a great weave is (literally) tied up with a display of wealth. But this is ridiculous. These do's have taken peacocking to a whole new level, but they definitely aren't rocking the right kind of plumage. We loved Craig David's drawn-on facial hair way back in the day, but this guy looks like the product of a terrible stencilling accident. Speaking of products, these Coca Cola and YSL rip-offs are surely some of the very worst productions of capitalism. Nothing says desperation like turning your head into a faux designer bag, or opting for a Coca Cola branded mohican. Cultural appropriation? We're so confused right now we don't even know anymore. Just not confused enough to do this to ourselves.
5 Baby weave
This poor child has been grossly misled in the ways of the weave. She looks as terrified as us by the unnatural curtain of fake hair crowning her newborn head. This is a terrible visual of how we ensnare young girls in beauty standards, long before they are old enough to decide for themselves how they want to express themselves. In this case, the barrage of beauty imperatives has begun at a very tender age. We're not sure what the vision was here, but what is certain is that no child in living history has exited the womb with knee length mermaid hair. Sure, if she survived asphyxiation, there might be benefits to baby weave. Perhaps she can use the alien being on her head as a blanket or comforter should she be chilly. Maybe it can double as reins when she starts toddling about. But honestly, that face says it all.
4 Lil Mama
Yes the blue hair really works with Lil Mama's green eyes here. But all we can see is that fake looking parting. It's riveting. The kind of sight that, once spotted, it's impossible to drag your eyes from, so horrific and yet fascinating is it. Lil Mama's stylist seems not to have saved her from the classic mistake of undyed, gluey roots. Bright and unnaturally blue those ends might be, but they're not distracting us from the roots for a second. Judging by Lil Mama's worried expression too, she isn't feeling all that confident in her blue do either. These roots are a shame, because otherwise she is totally pulling off blue hair, and that takes some doing. While we are deconstructing this look though, Lil Mama's powder pink lips and spidery falsies here are more frightening than flattering. As every woman knows, drama is a challenge to pull off.
3 Blonde ambition
It's hard not to be overjoyed at the sight of Paris Hilton's hair extensions. Not because they're aesthetically pleasing, but because we love it when Paris makes a boo-boo. This entitled blond princess who it's so easy to love to hate, such is her level of privilege and self satisfaction. It's also enjoyable when Paris, despite her wealth, makes the kind of error that a teen makes when she gets her first ever weave. Let's face it, in our desire to be as cool as the kids on TV, or just in our teenage self-hate, we inflicted some kind of hair fail on ourselves in our tender years. We almost love Paris for proving that money can't buy you invisible hair extensions. Especially when you're blond. Sorry Paris, but the luscious mane of a Brazilian beauty is one thing that money can't buy you. Could she be any more of a Barbie doll?
2 Classic weave fail
When it comes to weave fails, this move is the ultimate. Combining your classic gymnastic fail with a headfirst mud skid and weave (or wig) loss, it's a hat trick of fails. Were there an Olympics for the worst weaves, this would score a ten. Although unbelievably embarrassing on several counts, this fail is so entertaining and elaborate that we're actually oddly impressed. If anything like this ever happens to you, (unlikely but still within the realms of possibility), just remember that the coolest finale is to own your fail. As with any fail, commitment and conviction are key. If you have those, you can even pull off terrible weave. Just look at Russell Brand, people from the Georgian era, and Donald Trump. It's one of life's many miracles that this happened, let alone that it was caught on film for the entire internet to enjoy. Definitely a contender for 'best of the day'.
1 Heading up America
This list had to finish with the most ostentatious, flagrant, and ubiquitous of weave fails, that of President Donald Trump. No matter where you stand politically, the President's do is disturbed by the faintest of winds, and rearranged into a combover worthy of the wackiest mad scientist. Sure, the world's leaders generally have poor hair game. Trump though trumps them all in this sense: he looks the most like a cockatoo. Like the inevitable, life-abolishing tsunami that will follow in the wake of his decisions about climate change, his combover flaps lackadaisically in the breeze. The ever building, tornado-like breeze. Yet public opinion and the majority of America's voters seem not to move him. You might have thought it was Harry Styles' but it is this hairstyle that symbolizes our times. Trump's famed scarecrow mop sure seems fitting for a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders.