15 Reasons Kate Upton Needs To Become Irrelevant
Okay, we get it: model and actress Kate Upton is stunning. And not stunning in your basic “Victoria's Secret Stick Thin Tall As All Hell” way. Nope, nope. She has a sort of Goddess like quality to her angelic looks and voluptuous shape. But, MY GOD is she everywhere. From movies, to television, to commercials, to even sporting events - you just can't seem to get the hell away from her. You even pick up your phone and she's suddenly on an app you wanted to download. I mean, C'MON! A few years ago, Upton was one of the most sought after models in the industry: she was on the cover of coveted Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue (a whopping three times), and she graced the cover of Vanity Fair's 100th-anniversary issue. She also appeared in numerous films in between magazine layouts along with commercials. But jeez, we think it's about time to get off the Kate Upton train, so here are 15 reasons why the model needs to become irrelevant and just take a freaking break.
15 Her Acting Skills Are Less Than Par
Whenever she's cast in a movie, it seems like the only parts she can get are those of the “dumb blonde” stereotype who is only used for the slow-motion-run scenes. And I'm pretty sure they write those in the script AFTER Upton is cast. She appeared in such films as The Other Woman, Tower Heist, and The Three Stooges. Her upcoming movies are the William H. Macy directed comedy The Layover and James Franco's adaption of The Disaster Artist. If you watched any of the former films, you'd realize that her acting skills aren't necessarily the best and that directors really only use her for her looks. Sort of like a movie prop that does nothing except look pretty. She seems to struggle with her lines and while this doesn't make her a horrible actress, it can get pretty annoying. Perhaps she just needs to be in more movies, who knows.
14 She Killed The "Women Washing Cars" Genre In Commercials
We've all had to suffer through them (well, not all of us were suffering, but whateves): celebrity women washing cars in slow motion. Kim Kardashian did it. Paris Hilton did it. Every single model alive has pretty much done it. But for some reason when Kate Upton did it, a lot of fan boys claim she killed the “art” (wait, when did it even become an art??). Upton starred in a Mercedes super bowl commercial where she was, hark!, washing a dumb car in slow motion. Given, it's fueling the fantasies of every 13-year old boy or girl on the planet, but still. The twist is though, Upton was literally starring in a parody commercial, which was even odder. Even though the commercial was supposed to be making fun of all those commercials, it only succeeded in objectifying Upton, so the job fell flat on its face.
13 She's Not The Best When It Comes To Twitter
This was one fight she shouldn't have touched. Last year, NFL starting quarterback Colin Kaepernick took a knee during the national anthem right before the start of an NFL game. Kaepernick was taking a peaceful stance against police brutality against the African American community. Of course Twitter noticed, along with the rest of the country, and you were either outraged or agreed with his point. Upton fell into the former category and was outraged that his peaceful protest was followed by others and took to Twitter to voice her distaste. When the other players followed suit and backed up Kaepernick by kneeling themselves during the anthem on 9/11, Upton was upset. “This is unacceptable,” the model tweeted. “You should be proud to be an American. Especially on 9/11 when we should support each other.” People were visibly annoyed by a white model getting angry at the players' right to peacefully protest, and called her out on it. “White women like @kateupton have nothing to say when Black folks are systematically killed by the state but let one sit/kneel for the flag… ” one twitter user tweeted. “@kateupton if you think they aren't proud, then you've missed the point!” said another.
12 She Broke Carl's Jr. Ads
I still don't understand the point of these Carl's Jr ads. Models eating burgers they would literally never touch in real life let alone eat in slow motion. Of course, what they're selling here is their appeal, not really the burger. While yes, it was sexy, it still noticeably objectifies women in an undermining sort of way. Upton is a part of this objectifying because she doesn't condone it. I get it, she's doing her job, but she also knows exactly what that job is: making women into nothing but objects. Plus, it doesn't help that she was still rather young when she made this commercial (though, old enough so it wouldn't be completely gross). I think what's so annoying about this commercial was the fact that she didn't even look like she was eating the burger. I mean, c'mon - if you do a burger commercial, EAT THE STUPID BURGER.
11 She Annoys The Hell Out Of Us With The Kevin Durant and James Harden Video
When NBA super stars Kevin Durant and James Harden still played for the Oklahoma City Thunder, Upton starred in a weird little video with the two of them as they competed for her affections. Yes, the affections of a 19-year old girl. They go through a series of tests that Upton herself judged, which included jumping rope, a shoot around, and a strange sort of massage scene (where Kate ended up storming out of the room because the male masseuse was WAY more interested in Durant and Harden than he was her). She then brought the NBA players into a personalized photo shoot where they proved to be more annoying than her. This was taking everything a step too far in the world of sports, in my opinion. Here's two very talented players who are putting two toes over the line by making this strange little video appropriately titled “Take a Supermodel to Work Day”. Sheesh.
10 She's Annoyed By Her Own Boobs After Being Flat Chested
So, much to everyone's surprised, Ms. Upton happened to be rather flat chested when she was growing up. She had talked about wishing for a larger chest during her youth, and her wish obviously came true (if you couldn't tell). Well, according to The Sun, Upton wishes that her boobs came in a smaller size and is even annoyed by them from time to time. “Every single day, I'm like, 'Oh, man, it would be so much easier,' especially if people didn't constantly bring them up,” the model said to the British magazine. She then went on to say that she wishes that her rack was more like a clip-on, meaning she could take them off whenever she pleases. Uh, hi, what now? This sounds pretty strange for someone who flaunts that physical aspect nearly every single day. They're pretty much the reason WHY the woman is famous in the first place. You know there is such a thing called getting a reduction, so if they're bugging you that much, have at it, woman.
9 Ugh, That Ridiculous Game Of War Bull
Of those of you who live under a rock (or simply don't want to admit it), Kate Upton is the face of the mobile MMO game Game of War: Fire Age which can be downloaded on to your mobile device. You see Upton whenever you download the game since she's smack dab right there on your screen, watching you while the game loads. She also stars in the commercials, dressed in what passes as “armor” (it only pushes up her boobs so much so that you're worried they may attempt to strangle her), and rides a horse toward the cameras. She seems to be a lesser version of Athena, the known Greek God of war, which makes plenty of sense. Though using a model in order to lure gamers into your web seems a bit much, Machine Zone (the makers of the game). While the game is free to download, you have to actually pay to get anywhere in the game, so they use eye candy in order to trap players in their web of deception.
8 SHE'S A SPORTS CURSE
If you're like me, you're a sports fan. I'm just one of those chicks whose parents unleashed the sports demon on them while growing up. So seeing a stat like this often rubs me the wrong way. Back in 2012, it was reported that while Kate Upton was attending an NBA game, players on that end of the court (where she was seated) made 10 percent less shots. Chances are, they were distracted by the blonde beauty, but nevertheless, I don't want to see a player's game ruined because of a model. Is that her fault? Of course not, it was their fault due to being easily distracted. However, much like the Kardashian curse, Upton comes with her own sports curse. Upton has dated numerous athletes including Justin Verlander, Mark Sanchez, and Blake Griffin and when she was with them, their numbers were affected dramatically in their given sports. Verlander's E.R.A. skyrocketed, Sanchez started throwing more interceptions than usual, and Griffin finished horribly in his numbers after the 2013 NBA season wrapped after dating her. Ouch.
7 She Has Romantic Ties To Kanye West
Dear crap, this is the most horrible version of “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” ever. Apparently, back in 2011, Kanye West snuck into the Victoria's Secret VIP Swim event where he was later seen flirting with Upton. The duo even left the party together holding hands! Even though Upton claimed the two weren't dating, rumors still flew around. A couple years later, he dissed her when Vanity Fair referred to her as “the next Marilyn Monroe". “I have a love-hate relationship with the paparazzi, but actually I love them because they are empowering us,” West said to Eonline.com. “They are empowering us over Vanity Fair that want to say that Kate Upton is Marilyn Monroe. Kate Upton ain't Marilyn Monroe, Kim is Marilyn Monroe.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME. While Kate may not be the Hollywood icon, Kim is DEFINITELY AND UTTERLY NOT. Please don't make the starlet roll over in her grave.
6 She Took Her Love For Equestrienne One Step Too Far By Riding On A Horse Naked
Before she became an international model, Kate was actually a competitive equestrienne and even won four championships. So of course, a video surfaced of her riding a horse topless because, well, that's what equestriennes do on their downtime. TMZ posted a censored version of the video a few years ago. “Unfortunately, we can't show you the completely uncensored version,” and then proceeded to show TMZ employees watching the uncensored video themselves. Nice move. The video was shot by Complex a couple years back during a photo shoot of Kate's and managed to keep it hidden for awhile. People, of course, were upset that they didn't release the full video. Can't they just get their kicks when watching her run in slow motion? That ride without support couldn't have been good for her back anyway.
5 She's Already A Whirpool Heiress So She Has Enough Money
Did you know that Kate was already a billionaire BEFORE she broke into modeling at the delicate age of 15? Well, she was. Apparently, Upton's great-grandfather was the co-founder of the Whirlpool Corporation. Back in 1911, brothers Frederick and Louis Upton founded the Upton Machine Company which was renamed Whirlpool Corporations in 1950. This makes Kate an heiress to a very, VERY wealthy company, so even if she was born with less than stellar looks, she would have been well-off growing up. Even though she was born to a privileged family, her parents were pretty modest: father was an athletics director for a local high school in Florida while her mother was a former tennis champion. Seems like a pretty modest upbringing for such a wealthy family, if I do say so.
4 She Was Unpopular In High School (Wait… That May Make Us Like Her A Little)
According to Kate Upton, Kate Upton was not curvy while growing up. Pretty, but no curvy. “When I first started modeling, I was a normal catalog model,” she told Elle UK. “Then, I became a woman, and I was really excited about becoming a woman. Because I'm from Florida, it's all about being in bathing suits. It's a different view of beauty there. You are ugly if you don't have a curvy body. And I didn't have one, and then I got one, and thought, 'Yesssss!” Um, okay. She did complain that while she was beautiful when she wasn't curvy, it didn't get her anywhere. “Living on a farm, beauty doesn't get you anywhere. Because I was pretty didn't mean I could convince my sister to do my chores. It was kind of inconvenient to be pretty, growing up.” She even claimed to have been unpopular in high school and dumped by her high school sweetheart. Yeah, that still doesn't make normal people feel any better, sorry.
3 She Has Politicians in Her Family
Upton's uncle is actually in politics, and isn't very well liked according to some people. Fred Upton is the chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee and was well hated after he attempted to ban incandescent light bulbs in the name of energy efficiency. People worried that his niece's profession might be seen as a negative within his position in office, but that's not completely unheard of in history. Last year, the congressman even made headlines after he gave his niece and her fiancee Justin Verlander a private tour of the Capitol. They were seen taking pictures while standing on the marble steps. We're going to ignore the fact that Verlander lost against the Washington Nationals (the team he was facing while they were in town). This isn't necessarily a reason why Upton needs to become irrelevant, it's just annoying to hear.
2 Victoria Secret Doesn't Like Her (Wait, What?)
I'm sure you've heard about this before, but Upton was involved in a pretty heavy Victoria's Secret controversy. She had modeled a line of lingerie for the company a while back, something the company apparently forgot about when Sophia Neophitou (who is pretty much the brains behind all the company's fashion shows) said that the company will “never use someone like Upton”. Neophitou apparently thought that Upton was the stereotypical “football wife” in terms of her looks because she's too blond and too buxom and “has a face that anyone with money can buy.” Ouch! She also touched based on Upton's figure and said that she needs to lose some weight. Upton herself never responded to Neophitou about her comments, but she did say that she was extremely comfortable with her body just the way it is.
1 SHE'S WAY TOO FREAKING PERFECT
Regarding the above statement by Neophitou that Upton could stand to lose a few pounds - are you freaking kidding me? Neophitou is clearly living in the past and needs to keep her trap shut. You know what? Any woman would kill to look like Upton. She's simply too perfect (which would explain why I'm totally jealous of her, as you can see) and the utter definition of beautiful. Neophitou seemed pretty clueless to the fact that not only did her company hire Upton, but that they used her in a show. Sure we have our gripes about the model, but truth be told she's going to be around for a while in the public eye. She's just at the start of her career and is still super young. Sure, she annoys us from time to time, and will most likely continue to do so. But that's only cause she's slaying the form she was born with. Does she say dumb things? Yeah, but who doesn't?