15 Weird But Tempting Gwyneth Paltrow Lifestyle Rituals
We have to 'fess up on record to having a secret naughty fascination with Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle blog, Goop. It's delicious when celebrities offer lifestyle tips because they promise so seductively to deliver the secrets of their beauty, success and all round glamorous lives. And who could appear as otherworldly and unattainable as the ice queen, Gwyneth Paltrow herself? It seems like she knows something we don't with those killer abs and equally chiseled cheekbones. But does she? Let's be honest, celebs are into some pretty faddish shiz in their disconnected headspin of fame, from Scientology to plastic surgery to their obsession with kale (*cough* Gwynnie). But then again, we do want to know how Gwynnie maintains that perfectly sculpted bod and enviably radiant skin, which lends credence to her lifestyle musings. Although it's kind of like asking a football star to play Beethoven's 9th, we still wonder what tricks Gwyneth might have up her sleeves. Frankly, we are seduced by the radiance of her sparkling stardom and perfect hair. It def doesn't fly when Gwynnie tries to identify with what she calls the "common woman", (thus confirming she is not one). It's kind of sweet when she identifies with all women: "we all are in a physical body with beating hearts and compassion and love." But the cynic in us NEEDS to point out the disparity between our lives, which was illustrated pretty accurately back in the day in the parable of "The Prince and the Pauper". But let's not write off her womanly wisdom before we have sampled it sufficiently. You only live once, right? So in the spirit of YOLO, like Sandra Bullock stumbling forth in heels for the first time in Miss Congeniality, let's review some of the zaniest recommendations practiced and propounded by our girl Gwyn.
15 Carbs Are The Devil
Naturally, the first step in ascending into the lifestyle heaven inhabited by goddess Gwyn is cutting out carbs. We could put it down to existential guilt for their immense privileges that celebrities torture themselves by casting out gluten and all gluten-based products as they might be the devil. But that would be to undermine the results that cutting down on carbs, unfortunately, do have on your waistline. We like the motto dispensed by equally bodacious supermodel Gigi Hadid: "train hard and eat clean, and have a burger to stay sane". But if Gwyn preaches that gluten is a sin, we have to admit to being tempted to practice this monastic lifestyle. So says Goop: “Every single nutritionist, doctor and health-conscious person I have ever come across… seems to concur that [gluten] is tough on the system and many of us are at best intolerant of it and at worst allergic to it. Sometimes when my family is not eating pasta, bread or processed grains like white rice, we're left with that specific hunger that comes with avoiding carbs.” We recognize that specific hunger, and order a croissant, but OK G.
14 No Food Groups
Oh, and you also need to cut out (deep breath) coffee, alcohol, dairy, sugar, shellfish, wheat, meat, and soy. And fun. Nevertheless, guru Gwyneth has written a book to help us out with this grueling diet of water and leaves, which includes 185 recipes devoid of all these contraband foods. Ironically, it's the sequel to "It's All Good". Obviously, it's not ALL good, at least in Gwyneth's book. In the blurb for the new collection of health-boosting recipes, she describes herself as "an avid foodie", who was left feeling "fatigued and faint" after a “particularly grueling schedule and lapse of overindulgence.” Now we can relate to that. Concerned that this drastically healthy diet would also be "boring", G penned this dietary classic. Lampooned by almost every reviewer, we nonetheless had to find out what everyone was talking about. Like Miley at the VMAs, whatever you may have thought of her performance/recipes, she's having the last laugh because it's front page news.
13 Let It Go In The Shower
That time Gwyneth Paltrow advised us to let our stream loose in the shower. If she was trying to rid herself of that untouchable persona, this was the move to make. For realz, this is an actual, legit, not-even-kidding piece of advice on the generally ultra posh lifestyle blog. Apparently, streaming in the shower will improve your enjoyment of physical contact. Why? Let Gwyneth tell you: squatting (and yellow streaming) in the shower can help strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, which is (according to "structural integrative specialist" Lauren Roxburgh), is "the key to great intimacy". As women get older, their pelvic floor muscles can weaken, resulting in needing to go to the washroom a lot and reduced sensitivity during intimacy. Sadness. But, Goop goes on: “When you squat to do number 1 as opposed to sitting up straight on the toilet, you automatically engage your pelvic floor and it naturally stretches and tones". Goop, why you so gross?
12 Emotional Water
Also, Gwynnie thinks water has feelings. Could this be because she is woefully out of touch with reality? Probably. But, sticking with this hypothesis for just a minute, there is a researcher in Japan who claims that water molecules change shape depending on their sonic environment. G goes on to explain on Goop: "I am fascinated by the growing science behind the energy of consciousness and its effects on matter. I have long had Dr. Emoto's coffee table book on how negativity changes the structure of water, how the molecules behave differently depending on the words or music being expressed around it." Woah now. Our rational, logical, common sense side is CHOMPING at the bit. We are up for yoga, a little mindfulness, maybe. We like Ravi Shankar music and practice meditation occasionally. But this… is ridiculous. What exactly is "negativity"? A little too generic to be truly scientific, we feel. Since quantum physicists discovered that consciousness affects matter everyone has been all Matilda up in here.
11 Clothes Are Sexy
Another time, G (spot?) advised us to get off by feeling our clothes on our bodies: “If you move your shoulder and allow yourself to feel the rub of your shirt on your skin or the brushing of your hair against your neck, those sensations are innately sensual, and pleasure that can be accessed anytime.” We loved this article, entitled "Sexual Disconnection: How to Move Energy South”. Because it was just a little bit hilarious. Call us infantile, but the whole "specialist in intimacy" set up is always just a little bit funny. In the same way as the "birds and the bees" conversation is amusing. Because who can (really) claim they are enough of an expert in this department to dispense advice that is universally applicable? Let alone suggesting that we hadn't made the connection between sensual pleasure and its close relation, arousal. But, you know, if you're going through a dry spell, well just enjoy the "rub of your shirt".
10 France Is Chic
Another one of Gwyn's top tips come self-evident facts is that French toiletries are the best. In the words of Clueless' Cher: like, duh. We really would have to be clueless not to have observed that the French pharmacy is all-conquering. You're exempt from this rule if you have never been to France. But it's almost as much a part of the national stereotype as baguettes, berets, and the Eiffel Tower. Nevertheless, Gwyn has noted, with the rest of the world, that this is the case: “I first discovered these products in France but they are now widely available.” The reason that they're so widely available is that everyone found out about the superior quality of French products and demand led to their mass distribution throughout the world. Still, it's good to know that even Gwyneth, who has the skin of a twenty-something despite being over forty, is not above a little French soins de la peau.
9 Bee-utiful
Speaking of getting glowed up skin a la Gwyn, there's another (less appealing) skin secret that the A-lister swears by. Getting stung by bees. Speaking to the New York Times, Gwyneth explained: "It's a thousand of years old treatment called apitherapy," she said. "People use it to get rid of inflammation and scarring. It's actually pretty incredible if you research it. But, man, it's painful." Gwyneth paid actual money to have bees sting her, which makes us wonder if the lifestyle adviser needs a little (mental) health advice of her own. We don't recommend going the discount route on this one and whacking a nest with a baseball bat in place of this "luxury" treatment come torture practice. Fascinated as we are by the health care secrets of the celebs, it's times like this that we wonder whether they are as clueless and vulnerable as we are, despite having access to the "specialists" in every field.
8 How To Be Hipster
Then there was the time that Gwyneth advised us what and where to go in our pursuit of ultimate hipsterdom. Apparently, she was unaware that once voiced, a hipster's uniquely special and independent preferences become common knowledge, and therefore by definition, no longer hipster. Playing Margot in the Royal Tenenbaums was probably the most hipster Gwyneth has ever gotten, although we do think it's pretty bada** that her ex headlined at Glastonbury and her kids call Jay-Z "uncle". But the fact remains that hipster is just not coherent with the Goop "brand", dare we use that hateful word. To reference Friends (in a distinctly un-hipster, populist move), as Joey said about Monica's message on Richard's answering machine, "you can't say you're breezy, that totally negates the breezy". Same principle here. Such is the nature of hipsterdom, that as long as we're reading Goop, we know we're not exactly living life with the setting at "full hipster".
7 Unlikely Love Potion
Gwyneth advises us to put pomegranate seeds in our man's food to make him fall in love with us. Although many of us will desperately try anything to get a little love and affection around here, this one *seems* like a long shot. But your mother always told you that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. But still, we're surprised that Gwyn felt that her man was sticking around for the pomegranate seeds of all things. These juicy little blighters are delicious, and everyone likes to be pampered, but we question the correlation that pomegranate seeds used as a condiment ever had with romance. Apart from being kinda the right color. What might work is showing you care, though, and we have to give it to Gwyn, although a lot of her advice is a little bit bonkers, it is clear that she cares. As she says (pretty adorably), "I try really hard". Aww.
6 Chocolate Bark
Gwyneth advises us to give our man some "Special" Bark to spice things up a little. Nope, it's not a new bedroom move (which would probably be more effective), it's chocolate. Chocolate laced with cacao nibs, which are rumored to increase his drive, potency, and (yes ladies) performance. This tip reveals a rather witchy streak in Gwyneth's Goop: she seems bent on (herbally) drugging her man into submission. But then again, who doesn't like chocolate? Hoochy celebrity hocus pocus? Yes, definitely. But we love indulging in a bit of celeb make-believe. It's somehow a bit luxurious in its very silliness. 'Special" Bark does sound pretty silly, in the same way, that Nigella Lawson, (the sensuous, indulgent, brunette but equally British polar opposite of Gwyn's brand of domestic goddess), describes turned out pieces of tray bake as "shards". Pretentious titles aside, we think that Gwyn is (sorry) barking up the wrong tree less than usual with her Bark tip-off.
5 Soup "Detox"
The Soup Detox. So only eating soup for a week or so is one way that this stunner keeps so slim despite being in her forties. Admittedly, she's also got insanely good genes, but this is definitely a tip that we can put into practice, especially in the chilly soup-necessitating days of winter. All we want is a little chicken soup for our souls! However, as Gwyneth herself points out, liquefying fruit and veg actually does very little to "detox" us: “It's true that our bodies are great at detoxing on their own… ” We could stop reading there, but instead, we read on. Why? Because we want the secret that glamor promises! It's not advisable to live off soup alone for too long, that stuff'll go STRAIGHT through you (sorry, but it will). But as a temporary way to cut down on both carbs and pounds, while staying hydrated (the modern mandate) we're down.
4 Seven Day Dinner
Paltrow plans ahead for a dinner with friends an honest-to-God seven days ahead of time. And God supposedly created the entire universe in six days, resting on the seventh. Ok, that was God, but Gwyneth is freakishly committed to her own dinner party goals, leaving an entire week for planning and preparation before the big day. Either Gwyn is displaying some serious OCD tendencies or she needs to get out more. Maybe the paparazzi really are that oppressive, we don't know. But we don't have seven days to prepare for Christmas, or our own wedding day, let alone the (supposedly) relaxing occasion of dinner with friends. Now forward planning is definitely the key to organization, and it's fun to be lavish and treat your nearest and dearest, but we don't need an entire seven days *The Ring voice* in which to do so. Sorry G, we've got bigger fish to be a'fryin'.
3 Wear Warm Clothes
Expert advice is questionable right off the bat. But when Goop advised us to stay warm in winter by wearing warm clothing, taking hot showers, using our fireplaces, drinking hot drinks, and eating soup, it took the (gluten-free) cake. This contribution to the bank of human knowledge hardly warrants Nobel recognition. In all the years of human history, we've figured this one out, thanks, Gwynnie. The ever-reliable Wikipedia says that man first made fire, solving this problem, no less than 1.7 million years ago. If homo erectus had had Goop 125,000 years ago, this might have been useful, because that's about the time (again, according to the internet) that the use of fire to stay warm became widespread across the world. Another good tip might be to stop juicing everything and eat a few carbs to raise your body fat percentage above 12. Sorry G, but we got this one.
2 Spirit Truffles
Our favorite ever Paltrow recipe is the one for so-called "Spirit Truffles". A little like her "Special" Bark (Gwyn obviously likes to name food so it's intended purpose is unambiguous), Spirit Truffles apparently have a potion-like potency that bestows benefits (and possibly magic powers) far beyond their nutritional value alone. In the same way that we thought the Bark was a hoax, we're calling (vegan) baloney on the Spirit Truffle. Here's why: Gwyn describes the truffle's main ingredient thus: “the spirit dust feeds harmony and extrasensory perception through pineal gland decalcification and activation.” Rewind: these truffles give you ESP? Are you sure that you have the right ingredient there Gwyn? Secondly, "spirit dust" just isn't a name for anything real. That seems self-evident. But then, as the previous example showed us, that doesn't seem to matter in the crazy, mixed-up world of Goop. What's really weird, though, is that we still want to try these Spirit Truffles.
1 Steam Your Clam
Gwyneth's piece de resistance? Gaining Goop international notoriety via a stack of bad press (but press nonetheless), was the famous time she suggested that we steam our lady garden. It was about the time that a blog-based war was being waged over pruning regimens for our lady gardens. Gwyn took things a smidge too far with the concept of v-zone steaming, a practice that apparently originated in Korea. Straying wildly from doctors' advice that millions of years of evolution have produced a body party that self-cleans, Gwyneth enthuses: it's "an energetic release - not just a steam douche… [you] it on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al.” According to no scientific evidence at all, she goes on to claim that it "balances female hormone levels." Even more hilariously, in the "Ridiculous but awesome gift guide" section of the website, Goop features a $55 “Devi Steamer Seat.” Ridiculous. But somehow also awesome.